Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
You Might Also Like
the three branches of government
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda