I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep