They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The best shot in the history of golf
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses