(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.