Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.