[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Wikigenius
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”