I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Breaking news:
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.