I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.