*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”