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HEYYYY MACARENA
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
no regrets
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately