I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice