*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.