When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
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Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.