“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!