My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I need to update my racial profile.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Every work meeting this week
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.