Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
#catsoftwitter
Had an epiphany today.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
This one’s “Alex”.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles