t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
is this meant to deter me
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!