“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.