A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
You Might Also Like
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Twitter remains undefeated
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*