If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Phones down.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.