Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Can’t stop laughing
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I know karate and tons of other words.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.