What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.