I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
You Might Also Like
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Y’all ready for this
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.