My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Super Hand Dog Face
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for