“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks