IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
They got a point!
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
ed has no gf cuz sheran away