me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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I really had high hopes for this year though
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”