I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Godspeed, John Glenn
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops