Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping