I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
HELP 😭