Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Day 2 of my diet
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.