Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.