Florida man
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now