“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
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I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.