Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
You Might Also Like
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My time has come.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud