*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
You Might Also Like
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!