If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
🤣
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.