Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
How is it still this week?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
me irl
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid