Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
This is my bus stop.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…