Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Stop sending me this shit.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts