told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Lmao
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.