ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
why no one uses midhusbands
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.