Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
so i’m at the stock market right
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue