My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.