cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.