Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
i think both sides are to blame here
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Love thy neighbor’s dog
translated into Canadian
channeling her this year
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Ugh
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?