Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Saturday
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm