Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.