Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A dad and his duck
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.