If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
You Might Also Like
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.